I left my job and went in as a “partner” in a new firm. technically I am not a partner b/c they are a professional corporation and I did not sign any paperwork yet - but I am just paying overhead and I get to keep everything else - and therefore, I am working for myself. And that is all that matters. I am happy . . . for now :D

But on to more pressing things. Things with Joe have been good. Not great - but much much better. And I have to say it is all because of me. Now, don’t misunderstand me - I am not trying to pat myself on the back. What I am saying is that I decided that if I could not change Joe, I could change me and the way I reacted to him.

I used to always get annoyed by his stupid jokes. Now, I laugh at them - and we actually end up having a fun “banter” between us that makes me feel closer to him.

I used to get offended when he would say really politically incorrect things. Now, I take it as his sense of humor - and I make a joke out of it and it does not bother me as much. I don’t take the bait and fight with him - but I also don’t ignore him - I try to out do him and say something even more obnoxious and then we joke about it (of course, some things he says I could never joke about (i.e. racist remarks) - those I just have to ignore and then save for a conversation when he is more open to talking about it)

I used to never really think about how the fact that I don’t do much cleaning and other chores around the house would get old and start to piss off Joe. I know he bitches all the time - but for some reason I just did not care. I am trying to care - b/c it is important to show him I love him and that is a way that he feels shows that I love him. Or how my own financial irresponsibility was actually harmful to him and that if I love him, I would not hurt him like that.

I’ve changed these few things - which were not hard - and it seems to have made a difference.

So perhaps it was my fault all along?

Well, even if it was my fault, it is still true that Joe is very, very strange :)

You know how you watch those horror movies and think, “I would never do that! I would never go investigate that sound. I would never walk down those stairs. I would never go out in those woods!”

It is rare that we face fear like that in real life. I can count on one hand the number of creepy sounds I’ve heard in my life - and I actually do go and investigate them. I guess when there isn’t a soundtrack in the background playing scary music, it makes sense to actually investigate.

Right now, I am afraid. I am afraid of the direction I want to take in my life and whether or not it is the right decision. I am so afraid that I want to throw up.

I’ve been talking on this blog about leaving Joe for years. YEARS. I can’t really figure out why I don’t leave him. If I do leave him, I won’t have any health insurance, and that worries me because I am taking medication. I won’t have someone to help me out if I need money. I won’t have someone to help me out in general.

But tonight I asked him if he would continue to go to counseling and he told me no. He said, “if you feel you have to leave because I won’t go to the counseling, then you do what you have to do, but I’m not going”.

I stay with Joe because I love him and care about him. But he’s not right for me- and honestly I’m not right for him. But I don’t want to hurt him - it makes me so sick to think about hurting him. I know he loves me - and I know he will miss me. I know he is testing me - he wants to see if I really will leave. He knows I don’t have the money to go and he figures why should he do something that is hard for him - counseling - if I won’t leave even if he does not go.

Do I stay with someone I fight with every single day? Do I stay with someone who is not capable of being kind to me for any significant length of time (with “significant” being defined as “more than 24 hours”)? The worst part is that I know that as horrible as he can be, he really does love me. And yet, if my sisters were with someone like him, I would be saying the same things to them that they say to me: Get away from him! He’s abusive.

The last time I moved out, I was sad. But I think I was sad b/c I was in a strange house (not that my friend Rachel is strange) and I felt like it was not “my place” - but I talked to Rach tonight and she would be fine with me moving in - and bringing some of my furniture for their spare bedroom and actually making that room “my own”.

What do I do? How do I make this decision? I think I have to resign myself to the fact that whether I stay or whether I go, it will still make me cry and it will still be hard. But if I leave, I’m hoping eventually the crying will stop at some point.

why can’t I be brave about this? In the last 10 minutes it has taken me to write this blog, I’ve changed my mind about whether to leave or not every 30 seconds. Why do I love someone who is so mean to me? Why do I forgive him?

Is it b/c of my dad? Because my father was abusive and I always felt sorry for him and forgave him? Because I could always see that he loved me? I don’t mean to bash my dad - he’s really changed in 20 years and I love him very much. But he was a prick when I was a kid - and physically and emotionally abusive - but somehow I always felt so sorry for him. And the many times my parents separated, I always felt bad for my dad, not my mom. Now, I feel so guilty for not feeling sorry for my mom - for being a bitch to her when I was younger and always blaming her for things that really were my dad’s fault.

So why do I stay with Joe? How can I be 40 years old and not know the answer to this question?

I am not staying at my job. I’m so done with that place. My boss sent a memo out to the entire firm after the real estate paralegal made a mistake that cost the firm a few hundred dollars which stated that if anyone made that kind of mistake again, they would be forced to work 3 days without pay (which is illegal) AND if they did it again, they would be fired.

I gotta tell you, that just pissed me off.

So I suggested to Joe that we go to a Bed and Breakfast in Gettysburg because it is “romantic” and it might help our sex life.

He liked the idea and said he would check out prices at the Gettysburg Econo-Lodge.

He was serious.

I had a nice weeked.  Yes I know I am a little late in blogging about the weekend since it is almost Thursday :)  I hung out with paul and liz and some mutual friends and it was relaxing and fun.  Paul told me that I should stop worrying so much about how much my life sucks and just be happy.

he was right.  so i have decided to make a list and see if that helps me make changes in my life.

things that suck:

1.  no money

2.  boss is a control freak with a temper

3.  student loan payments i cannot afford and will never be able to pay.

4.  my marriage

5.  I am away from my family.

6.  I hate being a lawyer (sort of).

7.  i have no credit and no belongings other than a tv, computer and a sewing machine and some american flag shit.  i have no retirement, no prospect of ever having a retirement, and no savings.  I have $350 to my name as I write this.

things that are good

1.  I have good friends and a good family and people care about me and some people actually love me.

2.  I am not homeless, sick, unemployed, or working at a truely horrible job doing something like killing turkeys all day or cleaning bed pans.

3.  My cats love me.

4.  I love my cats.

5.  My laptop and I have a special connection

6.  I love making websites and I’m getting better at it every day and starting to make some money doing it.

Decisions to make:

1.  am I staying with joe or not?  I will probably never be able to answer this question so I’ll just end up staying.  I am not happy with him, but I love him and don’t want to hurt him.  That’s the bottom line.

2.  do I want to look for another job?  There has got to be a better way to make $68,000 a year.  Should I go out on my own.  Should I just do something else?  I mean, after winning a murder trial, what else is there?  I’m kind of “done” with the whole lawyer thing.  There’s other things I can do, right?  I’m not a complete retard.  Or am i?  :P

3.  do I want to stay in PA?  I would miss my friends, but right now I miss my family.

4.  am I ever going to go back to the gym?  It is not looking good.

5.  i could ride my bike in Florida every day.  that was so cool.  Do I want to move back to Florida?

Now that my tooth crisis is over and I’m not high on vicodin, I have started taking my Ritilin regularly and I think that it is helping me.  It certainly does not make me hyper - in fact it tends to calm me down.  I’ve had to increase my dosage from about 5 mg to 35 - per my shrink.

I am having a mid life crisis I think.  I don’t want to practice law anymore.  I want to do something FUN.

There is this chick at work that I don’t really like - but it is not like I hate her or anything.  I just find her to be competitive and I used to be that way and have tried really hard NOT to be that way.  The problem is the whole firm culture - everyone is always trying to fuck everyone else over and I HATE that.

When I first came here I spent a lot of time helping the other two associates one of whom is cool and one of whom is the chick I don’t really like.

But a few weeks ago I made a stupid mistake at work and this client who has been pissed at the firm since I got here, and for whom I do almost no work, bitched to my boss, which caused me and my boss to get into this huge fight.  But this chick - you could tell how happy she was that I fucked up - so that she could look good.  And I just do not have any tolerance for that.

Of course, wherever I work I always end up hating someone - although in Florida that did not happen.   I mean, the mortgage brokers annoyed the shit out of me.  But there was no one there I despised.  And there is no one here that I despise either.

I think I am just distrustful of this person - which I was not before.  And she is a person I could be partners with some day - and I just do not see that happening.

I want to be partners with someone I love and care about - someone who is a best friend.  Someone like ANN MARIE! :)

Yeah, I know, I deserted her when I went to Florida and now she is working at Legal Services and having the time of her life.

OK I have a board meeting to go to - which is going to be boring but the people are very cool.

I have not posted anything since December.  Sorry about that.  I guess not a lot has been going on.  Work sucks, but what else is new.  I am not really happy with where I work for a lot of reasons.  I’m tired of being a lawyer, I think.  I want to do something fun.  I hate having to work SO HARD for so little money.  And even if I were making a lot more money, being a lawyer is so freakin’ boring.

On another note, my cat just shook her head and got cat spit all over my arm.

It’s time to go to bed.

so there is nothing funny or fun or happy going on in my life.  I had a horrible week.  My secretary quit on me, I had other issues come up at work, I have a bankruptcy case that is very difficult and I”m stressed out about it.  I am feeling insecure and pathetic.  I want to hide under the covers.

I went to bed at 8:30 last night.

I did start taking my Ritalin yesterday.  Of course it is too soon to tell.

I just feel BLAH!  Do you ever feel that way?

I am feeling really down today.  I am feeling like I want to go back out on my own again.  I’m getting the bug.  But I know if I do that, I won’t learn anything new.  I won’t have anyone to talk to about my cases.

I hate feeling like if I make a mistake, I am going to “get in trouble”.  I liked being with Ann Marie b/c we both felt like family to each other.  We were there for each other.  I have such anxiety about stuff like this and while my medication helps with this anxiety, I still have it.  Maybe I am just running away by wanting to go out on my own.  Maybe I am running away from the responsibility of having partners that are not your family.  But I do miss that.

I am never going to feel that way again and that is sad.  I like the people I work with, but they are no Ann Marie.

My insurance company is dragging its feet about approving my Rx for Ritalin and I’m getting annoyed.  I really want to see if this drug is going to help me.  I need to call them tomorrow and bitch them out.  What I hope is that this drug will make me more efficient, so can get more done, but not have to work 100 hours a week to get 40 hours worth of work done.

I miss my family a lot.  I can’t wait to see them over the holiday.

On a good note, things with Joe and I are actually doing OK.  He’s been pretty nice.  He probably wants to have sex.  Maybe this weekend.  We’ll see.  :)

I hope you are all doing well too.  I know a lot of you are stressing out and worried about your own lives.  Life really is hard.  I think the only way to survive it is to keep your priorities straight:  family, friends, health and balance.  Everything else is just fluff.